DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP; ADVISES TO A NEW MOM
“You are a mother; you must love your kid more than anything else in life.”
“You are a mother, your kid must be your first and foremost priority in life.”
“You are a mother; you must forget everything else other than your kid.”
The list is a long one.
Till a few months back, you was a
person. You had your own life, your own goals, your own set of
priorities, but suddenly you are expected to forget all that and take
care of your little “bundle of joy” that hardly seems joy to you, at
least in the beginning.
“Am I a bad person?”
“Am I abnormal if I don’t feel connected to my kid?”
“I must be a horrible woman.”
“I should never have given birth to another human being. I am not worthy enough.”
In
very high probability these are the thoughts which will haunt your mind
even if you are NOT suffering from post natal depression.
Anne
Lamott writes in her book “bird by bird”, “a kid is the worst roommate
you will ever find.”
Imagine that you are extremely tired after feeding the kid the whole day
(newborns have the habit of nibbling throughout the day), it is 2 a.m.
in the morning. All you want is 3 hours of peaceful sleep but your kid
is wide awake and won’t sleep no matter what. She will cry. You are the
mother. You are supposed to comfort her, but you have no idea what on
planet earth can sooth her. The father of the kid looks at you
helplessly. He also is as clueless. You try everything. You give her
medicine for stomach ache. You feed her again. You rock her in your
arms. But she won’t stop. You feel really angry with the kid. Then you
feel angry at yourself. I must have done something wrong. Don’t worry.
You have not done anything wrong. It is possible that a new mother is
NOT too much in love with her kid.
And here are the reasons-
Why is it possible that a new mother is not madly in love with her kid?
- In
all the other “new” relationships it is considered OK if a person takes
time to know the other person. But as a mother you are supposed to love
your kid from the first second. It might come naturally. But if you
don’t feel that kind of love. It is OK. Give yourself time and the love
will follow.
- You might feel
frustrated with your image. You are feeling fat. You want some time to
be with yourself. You want to hit the gym to sweat the depression off.
But the kid makes it impossible.
- Gender
of the baby. No matter what you claim, but you might have a hidden
desire for the kid of a certain gender, a girl or a boy. If your kid is
of another gender, it might feel frustrating for a few days, till you
adjust to the fact that no matter what is the gender of the kid, now you
have a beautiful life in your arms for you to love.
What will add fuel in the fire?
- Your
mother and mother-in-law tell you stories of their great sacrifices.
How they were such good mothers! How they knew everything! (Fact is they
also learnt things gradually. Must be at where they are today because
they have raised children.)
- If
the baby is breastfed and if he/she is uncomfortable, it would always
be projected as your fault. Baby is having stomach ache. You must have
eaten something wrong. Baby is having cold. You must have done something
wrong.
- People will give
you thousands of unsolicited advises on what to eat, how to conduct
yourself. Till yesterday, you were a smart adult, now you feel like
someone who doesn’t know anything.
What is the solution?
- BONDING WILL TAKE TIME, SO GIVE THAT TIME- First and
foremost keep in mind, that it is OK not to feel very connected to your
new born. Just the way, your new born will take her own sweet time to
connect to you; you have all the rights to take your time.
Theoretically, you know this is your kid. You had carried her in your
womb for 9 months; still it will take you some time to get comfortable
around her. Give yourself that space.
- FOLLOW ROUTINES, THEY WILL HELP- Routines will help you a
lot in bonding with your newborn. Even if you don’t feel emotionally
connected to her, the routines of feeding her, bathing her, giving her
massages will help you to feel strongly for her. Moreover, these
routines will help your newborn to bind with you. Once she gets attached
to you and starts to give you her special smile of recognition, it
wouldn’t take long for you to madly fall in love with her!
- ASK FOR HELP, YOU ARE NOT ASKING OTHER PERSON’S KIDNEY- It
is common for the new mother to feel scared to ask for help for 2
reasons.
1. You can’t trust other people with your kid.
2. You feel as a mother it is your duty to do everything for the kid.
These are misconception; it’s OK that you are not able to trust your kid
with everyone. But choose a small circle of people with whom you can
trust your kid. Then start leaving the kid with them. The kid has to
walk a long journey in the world. If you will behave paranoid all the
time, you will have a tough time being a parent.
Another thing, it is OK for the mother to delegate the work. Only
because you are a mother doesn’t mean that you only have to do
everything for the kid.
- TAKE TIME TO UNDERSTAND KIDS GENERAL AND PARTICULAR- Read
books, read magazines, browse internet, try to learn things about
children. You might already have done all these things while you were
pregnant. Now, try to understand the particular things about your kid.
She is unique. She must have some habits which no book or magazine will
be able to tell you. If you will give time and space, you will learn
more and more things about her on your own.
- “ME” HOUR- Take out at least one hour of the day when you
are not allowed to be disturbed. You can do anything in this hour. You
can read your favorite book. You can watch your favorite TV series. You
can hang out with friends. Whatever gives you a sense of identity, it is
OK to give yourself that space. You are giving 23 hours of your day to
your kid. You have all the right to give an hour to yourself without
feeling guilty.
You can also choose to do what I am doing, sharing your
experience with other new Moms. Your kid can be happy only when you are
happy. So try to enjoy yourself in the role of a mother.
